The following is a status I posted to Facebook this morning:
Nothing says “I remembered your birthday and I truly care about you” like buying someone a Starbucks gift card after Facebook reminds you it’s their birthday. And by “their birthday” I mean “your friend’s birthday” because obviously this website reflects real life in its entirety and every one of you on here is a friend. Wait, sorry. I let Mark Zuckerberg write the beginning of this status. When was the last time you called a friend on their birthday? When was the last time you called ANYONE because you wanted to hear their voice because you need them in your life? “I hate talking on the phone!” says the the majority of my generation. If you don’t like talking on the phone, if that’s “too annoying” for you, then maybe don’t post that stupid picture of your goddamn brunch. We get it, you’re the same as everyone else. Fun fact: that stupid joke you posted that got 100 likes? It’s pointless. It’s on a conveyer belt to nowhere and you’re wasting your time if you think this matters. Some people want a dislike button, as if another emotionless button is going to do anything besides make this spiral into nothingness even more unimportant. Let’s get rid of the like button entirely. Let’s see how cool we all are when this absurd alternate reality isn’t just a popularity contest. A thousand “happy birthdays” posted on someone’s timeline is what we need for validation, nowadays. My parents still call me on my birthday. They’re better than most of you. And they don’t even believe I should be allowed the right to get married.